I had been married for two years, I had recently celebrated
my 21st birthday and I was about to give birth to our
first baby girl Holly.
I had never suffered or truly understood insomnia until 2
weeks before the birth of baby Holly. There may be a scientific
reason for gestational insomnia but personally I put it down
to birth classes, unhelpful horror stories and fear of the
unknown. I was 21 and about to enter into the world of
motherhood I wanted to do the best by my baby. Little did I
know it may not be the best thing for my personal sanity.
So I read many books, searched the Internet and
discovered the practice of natural birthing. Like many
other soon to be mums I decided that anything other was
wrong, how could women use drugs, how selfish!
How inexperienced I was! So anyway I found a natural
birthing centre in my local area and committed to their
revolution.
The trouble began with my first birthing class.. My
biggest mistake. Insanity! The birthing class film
was more of a horror movie, it was detrimental to myself
and my husband. This movie was indescribable but I
will do my best to give you an idea or the horror.
Natural home births, undressed women and
undressed supporting partners accompanying
trance/hippy style music and a lot of moaning
bordering much to close to what I would refer to as
pornography. Hubby and I did not attend any further
classes.
After this event my fear began to grow. Attending
church on Sundays seamed to become my weekly
dose of horror stories. Was anyone interested in giving
me peace at night? The show and tell of the horror birthing
video and horror stories were making the whole
process of birth feel unnatural. How does the general
capacity of that particular opening on a female body
allow a baby to come out without a lot of pain, tearing
or death! Melodramatic? Maybe? But these were my true
fears.
One time I stayed up all night making a Giraffe for Holly's room.
Here's my 24 hr Giraffe...
Not long after, I was told Holly's growth was plateauing and
I would need to be induced early. This was truly horrible but
my fears had been growing towards a natural birth and every
time I thought about labour I wanted to be sick so I won’t lie
and say I wasn’t relieved that I wouldn’t be able to attend
the birthing centre any longer. At least now I would have
doctors closer by.
Unfortunately my fears did not stop at the demise of my birth
centre revolt but were quickly replaced by well being of little
Holly and the fear of induction.
Thoughts about the birth were taking over my mind and my
life. Is it my fault the baby isn’t growing? Am I a bad mum
if I don't have a natural birth? Had I been eating healthy
enough? Am I a bad mum for getting sick in pregnancy?
I had never even baby sat before! How was I going to adapt
to the role of motherhood? I had no idea what I was doing!
What was I thinking I’m not ready for this! How am I going
to cope with the pain? Am I going to die!! For the next two
weeks and until the day of the induction I got through a lot of
sitcom dvd sets, caught tonsillitis severely went from easily
sleeping 12 hours a night to averaging 2-4 hrs. Emotions were
running high. The night before the induction a melodrama
was playing in my head, I was terrified and praying please
don’t die, please don’t die!
How did I do it? My birthing story coming soon...
